It's Been Awhile

Well my friends I know it's been awhile since my last post, so I wanted to try and catch up a bit.


The reason for my absence here has been caused from the surgery, and rehab, it has been excruciatingly slow and painful!!!
I know it will be worth it when everything is healed, but it sure seems to be taking a long time to get there....
The surgery went well, although a lot more work was needed than was expected.... removing parts of the labral, bursa, rotator-cuff, and shoulder blade itself, and removing bone spurs, and repairing a tear in the rotator-cuff.........
It's been a little over four weeks, and am now able to use my arm for small things, but still having a lot of pain, and muscle spasms, although I can now life my arm above my head without assistance........ yesterday was the first day I was able to that.....
Needless to say typing wasn't real comfortable either with the angle my arm was at........


Hopefully though things are on the upswing though...........


In other news we have a giant scale warbird fly-in coming up April 9,10, 11...... Hopefully weather will be cooperative, so if you are in the area please feel free to stop in and say hello, and enjoy some beautiful RC airplanes....


Thank you again for all the prayers and well wishes, you all are in ours

Surgery

Well tomorrow is surgery day to rebuild my left shoulder
Surprisingly as of now I'm not too worried about it..... I have the tendency to not like this sort of thing, but I think the need for it is over-riding any worries.
I know that it is in God's hands and whatever His will is will be done.


So any prayers would be greatly appreciated....... 


and I might not be on facebook or blogging much for several days, so I can recoup and rehab, but we will see 

Our Lil Visitor

I've Got it Made

Looking out this morning, seeing the snow on the ground, from my nice warm couch, cuddled up with my kitty-cats....  I realize I've got it made.....


I was thinking about my life, the lives of friends and acquaintances, and all that we've been through....
I've had so many people tell me I've had a rough life...... It's funny when I really stop and think about it, I guess I can see why people might say that, but I've never thought of it that way..... I've thought of it as it's just the way life is......(If that makes any sense)


Yes I've had some knocks in life, and some things happen that, well, lets face it... sucked LoL.......But I've been fortunate in so many other ways....
I have my mind (though some might debate that)  I'm able to pick up the phone and text, email, or call a friend, my daughter, family members....
I'm able to look back over my life and cry about some things that have happened, laugh at others, and just dream about others......
The most wonderful thing though I have to say honestly Is Being Saved.......  I came to a point where I realized I wasn't the world, and the world wasn't me.......and no matter how many mistakes I had made in my life, I could be forgiven...... The great blessing in this is it allowed me to forgive all those that had hurt me......
It allows me to think and know that no matter what I suffer in life, it will always be better........ In short I guess it allows me to look at the world through rose-colored glasses...... No matter how much wrong there is, there will always be justice.....


So as I continue to watch the snow melt, I would like to just remind people that no matter how bad things seem at this moment, it will pass........ Think back to those days when we were young, and relive some of those dreams we had......
As silly as it may sound, I've had so much fun the past few days thinking about the past: friends, loves, and things dreamed and done.....
It makes me realize that we are never to old to dream...... Never to old to start something new........ The older we get it seems we tend to take ourselves a lot more seriously......... Whoever said we had to become serious and loose that inner child???
yes we have responsibilities that we must take care of and meet......... but after those are taken care of...........................Let's all try and dream a little more, and Thank God for the days we have had, and have left.......

And the Results Are..........

well the results are in, and what I thought might be a simple tendinitis and small rotator cuff tear, well, lets say I was pretty far off......
Looking at the MRI on the screen waiting for the doctor, I thought to myself and made a comment..."Wow that looks like a disaster"  I didn't know I could read MRI's LoL
As it turns out, there is a pretty good size rotator cuff tear, a slap tear (still haven't quite figured that one out, I thinks it part of the tendon"  and several large bone spurs......
So the results are Shoulder Surgery.... Boy oh boy!!!
well as it turns out, he will be also removing part of my collar-bone because it is rubbing bone on bone, to cause less friction and hopefully prevent more damage....


I guess It's hard for me to do anything the simple way  LoL  The doctor was very reassuring in telling me that I would have more pain than most other people who have this type of surgery do to the fact of being on pain meds for my back......  More great news!!!!


I'm not sure of the date yet, but it looks as though it will be getting done early next week, so keep me in your prayers please......  It looks like it will be quite a bit of PT afterwards trying to keep scar tissue from building up and causing more problems so not sure how much I'll be on or updating when this occurs.......


If any of you want to volunteer to come help nurse me back, it would be appreciated  LoL
Angie is already thinking of the inconveniences this could cause to her schedule LoL
Fun, fun, fun...... I'm just hoping it won't kill building time... so the planes will be ready to fly this spring...... Think I'll probably be buddy-boxing though for awhile until I have confidence in the arm and shoulder again though....


In other news..... Still no word from my Dani....... I'm still so excited about finding her after all these years!!!!   I've run conversations through my head, of what I think i might say, but in all honesty, I don't have a clue..... It's from a time in my life where things were so innocent, I wonder how much life has changed both of us in all these years???   Sometimes thinking about it I can't help but shed a tear, I guess because our love didn't end by choice, but by parents relocating.......  I don't know..... It was just a wonderful time in my life that I don't think I could ever look back at with anything but fondness of those times we were able to share together..................   I wonder if she feels the same way...... or even thinks about it ......

Still Waiting

Well I've had a few ask about my last post, and what was going on with Dani....... Well, nothing yet LoL....
I haven't heard anything back from my brief message..... So when and if I do I will post more on that.....

This week will be one of more doctors appointments, finally having completed the MRI's now I wait for the follow up to see how bad the shoulder is should know more tomorrow......

Just have been spending a lot of time thinking of people and how they come in and out of our lives, and why some stay, and others fade away....And really just thinking what directions to take in life, you know that usual ponder stuff we do now and then LoL

Teenage Dreams

Well I guess I have to admit that I really am a sentimental fool....
Speaking with a good friend from the past and now a few days ago brought back some memories that I hadn't really shared with anyone in years...... Mainly my first love......
After our conversation it made me start to look for her again........  See we dated in junior and part of high school...... Then we got the horrid news her father was being transferred to Florida......
As I looked around the web, all the sudden I came across a photo.... I knew right then I had found my baby from all those years ago......
It just brought back an avalanche of emotions, feelings, thoughts, dreams we shared, and that I had on my own..
I was suddenly transported back in time to seeing her walking towards me with her little dog running along side her.... Holding hands walking through the park........ Then standing in the rain early that morning she left.....


I remember the dreams that we would be together again, and how upset I was when her address was lost in one of the many projects my parents decided to do which entailed my room being moved...
It's so funny how something at such a young age can affect you so much so many years later.  I remember searching through phone books, on trips to Florida through the years trying to find her.....(Keep in mine this was before the internet, plus I'm still not that net savvy)


Suddenly I was at a loss for words, and couldn't even find what to say in a message to her.....  all I could manage to eek out was just is this the Dani I know....... 
I wondered how her life had been, did she think of me as often through the years as I thought of her, did she live her dreams, and had she ever tried to find me as well.........


I don't really know the answers to all these things yet, and not sure I ever will, as i'm waiting for a reply to my note I wrote, and although I've gained quite a bit of courage in my age, I'm not sure I have the courage to tell her what an impact she had on my life..... I've found it easier to tell the few people I had crushes on in my younger days about them with time, and laugh about them, as I never acted on them back then.....
This though was my first real love, my first kiss, and the first time I ever really thought about the rest of my life...... Before her girlfriends were something in name only...... you know the type where you just smile at each other in class, BUT NEVER even thought about holding hands much less kissing...  LoL......  My oh my how times have changed looking at our youths today.


What happens now???  I have no idea, as life has made so many changes in us through all these years, but I hope it's the beginning of a new friendship, catching up, and maybe even reminiscing about those teenage dreams we shared back then..... 

Being on Disability

Okay, okay, I know, I'm going to vent and most of you probably don't even know what I'm talking about LoL......
For those of  you that don't..... I've had a very spotty medical history..... I have had 4 strokes, two of which were pretty major...... as if you can have one that isn't LoL, contracted encephalitis while administering CPR to someone, which has caused some other nice little issues......
Anyway, I've been told by my doctors that they won't release me to work, because there is just too much risk of being injured worse, and because of liabilities.......Hard to Handle for me......
What I hate is when someone tells me "you are living the life, that would be so great not having to go to work everyday"   ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!


All the medical issues aside, being on disability doesn't even come close to giving you what you made when you were working, not to mention the feelings of not being able to provide for those you love, and a loss of sense of purpose......


C'mon people, think before you speak sometimes......  


I don't want sympathy, but would like people to realize that this isn't a choice that I made either.... and because I do have disabilities doesn't mean that I got some huge settlement and am just living the high-life........  It's just us trying to make it the best we can from day to day......
Okay, end rant for the day ;-)

Car Buying

Well part 1 of the car shopping is finished!!  
While purchasing or New to Us auto, I realized just how much I hate the games that are played.
Why is it that there is always the low-ball offer on your trade in, the how much do you want your payment to be...
I decided this time I wasn't going to play the game, and it went surprisingly well...... Instead of talking payments, and such I just focused on first, What is my trade in worth, and told the salesman that what they were offering on it would let me know if we could even do business.....
Well the offer of course was low, and my statement, that is way, way too low, I guess you guys really aren't seriously interested in selling a car got surprising results!!!
I told them my trade was worth at least a dollar amount, I didn't want to mess with all this after price fees added on..
all the sudden the sales manager appeared and things got underway well...... There is still a bit of haggling back and forth, but found it seemed they appreciated a well educated consumer.......... We've only been looking at vehicles on and off for the past year.. LoL
Anyway I have to say as far as car buying goes it was rather pleasant, and we are pleased with our 2006 Jeep Commander......
Angie is able to transfer in and out, and get her chair in by herself... (if needed) and it is able to do the things we need... It has some rough spots, but then nothing is perfect....
Now just to find an accessible auto for Angie and we will hopefully be set for a long time in the car department.........

So Tired

Well I guess that title could lead into several things, and various rants and raves LoL


Mostly it's just that I feel so tired the past few days.....
We've been trying to get some projects done that are a bit time sensitive on the airplane front, and at least the 260 is finished as of today!!!!


I look back and sometimes wonder how I used to be able to go all day and night and not feel tired at all....... I guess it's just age LoL  or the bug that decided to set in at about 3am..... You ever wonder why it seems like something has to wake you up in the middle of the night to start getting sick???   I would just prefer it would let me sleep LoL


Anyway the roads are back clear today, and most things are open and running, Thursday I go to the doctor to see what all is going on with the shoulder issues.... So hopefully that will be something that some type of exercise or PT will be able to fix and not surgery.....  Then get all the other medical stuff out of the way..... I feel like I'm paying for too many doctors vacation homes of late LoL

Counting the Slashes

Talking with a great friend last night, just about life, and things going on, we began to realize just how really old we are getting..... (even though we feel a lot younger) LoL
We talked about opportunities we have had that we passed up on, and about how much time we had wasted making choices for the wrong reasons.....


It became so clear, that it is so easy to lose ourselves these days our identity gets changed, into Mom or Dad, this persons other half...... so on and so forth....... Not that there is anything wrong with being those things its great!!!!    but when we lose who we are, we start changing in ways that aren't always for the better...... We can lose confidence in ourselves, give up things that are dear to us, and end up deciding not to make a choice in some situation, (which by the way is still making a choice)


So what to do about this:
Well I decided to not give up on me, and the dreams I once had, and those things I want to do.... I might make a wrong choice, or wish I hadn't done something later, but at least I had the experience, rather than sitting back in my old age wondering, what if I had only ______


By this I don't mean being selfish, and not considering those in my life, but just not to think myself out of an opportunity........


We only have this time here that we are given, and as we know and have experienced, it can be gone in an instant....... Sitting here at my age now, it seems like the past 20 years have just flown by!!!!


So my resolutions for this year are:
To Love Stronger, and as unconditionally as I can
To take the time to pick up the phone and call a friend, family member instead of putting it off, answer that letter or text more, just to say "hi, and I love you" to the people in my life.
To not waste a day in anger or frustration over something I can't control.
To try and do some of the things I've always wanted to do..... To dream and try to reach it.
To not accept and guilt trip that someone is trying to give me......  and realize though I'm not perfect, neither is anyone else, and I deserve to be treated with respect, and to be appreciated, and not tolerate abusive relationships...... friends, family members, etc......


And most of all to try and encourage those in my life to do these things as well......  Treat all in my path with a smile, and respect.......
and Pray God helps me do these things


Love You All

Trying something a little different

Okay we are going to try something here, and we'll see how it goes.... LoL
Some people know I use to write quite a bit of poetry, and lyrics....But haven't done much of it in quite awhile......... As sad is it may be, it seems that pain is the influence that makes for me to write well....... Fortunately those inner demons seem to be at bay for awhile...... So I decided to try and write something on a lesson learned in life rather than the pain I'm going through........
So we will see how it goes over if it's liked I might try writing more, and posting some of my other writings, if it reaches out to someone...... If not..... well we can just trash doing it again  LoL


So here is the attempt, let me know if you like it or can relate to it in someway or another....

When I was young and still in school, 
I met a young lady and somehow knew she was "The One"
I never could find courage to tell her how I felt 
time drifted by then school was out. 
went by, we went separate ways
never getting another chance to ask her out.
left only with memories and to wonder 
what would have happened if I had asked her out
Could something so innocent stand the test of time
could we still be together, or ended in goodbye



I've learned that life is wire we all must walk
 playing it safe won't guarantee happiness or success  
so while we're out on that wire, we might as well dance.  
I'd much rather live letting time tell the answers
than survive with regret...........
JRA

Too Much Time to Think?

I'm not sure if this happens to other people, but it seems at times I spend a lot of time pondering the past...... It's not really something I try to do on purpose, I'll just see a face, or something will come up that will remind me, and ZOOOOOOM!!!!  there I go back in the past.


Recently my trip back home to St Louis made me think of the choices I made, in my personal life, and professionally that let me to be so far from my daughter........  I often wonder even though we talk through email, phone, text, facebook etc.....  How much I've influenced her life, and if it were more negative or positive......   I know my daughter is the best thing that came from my early attempts of trying to be on my own.... (or I guess I should say being a young adult, knowing nothing but ideals at the time}  LoL
I guess I just wish there was a meter you could refer to that would let you know how your decisions will end up 2, 5, 10 years from the time you have to make them.....
I guess I can find solace in the fact that my daughter still talks to me and says she loves me.....  Even though I think we see each other way too few and far between... 


Being back also got me thinking about some "old flames"  it's funny though the ones I think about........ it's not so much the people I dated seriously, it's more of those fantasy crushes I guess you would call them........ You know, those people that you really like everything you see about them, but are too terrified to let them know your feelings?
I guess I should first state that I'm happily married, I don't really think of them in a "sexual" nature......... It's more of thinking how I wish I could have spent more time with them, or let them know how I felt, and wondering if these couple individuals even knew how I felt, or felt the same thing towards me............. Does this even make any sense???


These are some of the reasons I ended up using "Sentimental Fool"  I've always been told I was too sentimental, and that it wasn't necessarily a good thing........  I ask though, just what is wrong with caring???    Even though there was really nothing to speak of in these couple relationships, the people remain very close and dear to me.  Could it be that they are from a time when life was still so innocent??   or am I really just a sentimental fool?

First Time To Journal Online

Being one that has journal-ed for years, I've decided to try doing so online.  Spurred on by the fact that I recently had a computer glitch and lost the last few years of my life in writings LoL

I've decided to allow this to be open because there were so many times I wished I would have shared things with friends and loved ones, but never got around to sharing my thoughts, I've always been one that was better at putting his feelings and thoughts in writing than in the spoken word.

So I hope those of you that decide to follow with me on this journey will contribute, and perhaps let me know that I'm not the only one that gets some of these strange and sentimental thoughts that run through my mind on an almost constant basis   LoL